


such a fool to pay this price

by atlantisairlock



Series: quiet nights poured over ice & tanqueray: shoot x halsey [2]
Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Alternate Universe - Marvel Avengers Fusion, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Identity Issues, Implied Sexual Content, Memory Loss, Not Really Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2015-10-09
Packaged: 2018-04-25 13:44:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4962853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlantisairlock/pseuds/atlantisairlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sameen shaw dies in 1945,</p><p>and the winter soldier is born.</p>
            </blockquote>





	such a fool to pay this price

**Author's Note:**

> companion piece to [this](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4944628).

Objective: kill. The override passcode is 'ithaca five-four', accepted only by a certain voice print. If the passcode is not given, the mission must be liquidated. Failure is unacceptable.

The target's voice print is wrong. They do not say the override passcode. They say  _I'm with you till the end of the line,_ and suddenly, the commands conflict. 

_Objective: kill._

_I'm with you. Till the end of the line._

_Objective: uncertain._

_Objective?_

_Error._

_Error._

_Error._

_Commence shutdown?_

Something flickers in the Winter Soldier's mind. There is a foreign emotion being processed. Pain. It is not enjoyable. Black and white images flashing past her eyes too quick to catch. The Winter Soldier frowns as her head clears, and her new objective is made plain.

_Objective: protect._

The Winter Soldier glances down at the target, plummeting into the water. This directly contradicts the objective. This is unacceptable. Failure is unacceptable. She has a mission. Objective: protect.

The Winter Soldier jumps. 

 

 

Memories are scary. The Winter Soldier does not enjoy how fear feels. It is unnecessary. Irrational. Dangerous. She kneels over the body of the target, both of them soaking wet. The mission is lying supine on sun-baked earth, semi-conscious and incapable of speaking. This endangers the objective. She must act. She must protect the mission, however scared she is. Every time she looks at the target's face, a wave of unfamiliar feelings washes over her like a riptide. Something struggles inside her, fighting its way out of captivity. She knows the target. Who is she? Who is she?

The Winter Soldier looks up when her thoughts are abruptly disrupted by voices, movements. There are people. Allies of the mission. The red-haired woman she faced on another mission, many years ago. It is dangerous to stay. She wavers for a moment, remembering her objective, but the Winter Soldier evaluates the options logically. The red-haired woman is an ally to the target. She will help her. This fulfils the objective.

Satisfied, the Winter Soldier sneaks away with nary a sound, leaving no sign that she ever was there.

 

 

She keeps remembering, in greater clarity every night after. 

One week after she drags the mission out of the Potomac, she dreams in colour - of a bitterly cold night, of warm arms around her, of burying her face in the hollow of someone's shoulder. The Winter Soldier wakes up warm, uncertain. 

She has a name.

She has a name.  _Sameen Shaw._ That is who she was, before she was the Asset. 

When the dawn comes, the Winter Soldier slips from her hiding place and begins a trek to the Smithsonian. 

 

 

She studies the Shaw Memorial intensely, committing all the information to memory. Most everything is unfamiliar. She has no memory of people such as Reese or Finch, Carter or Fusco. She knows, instinctively, that all that is written on these panels are true. But these are not her memories. This is not her history.

But she knows enough, at least, to pause when she hears the mission call what is supposed to be her name. She feels something. The Winter Soldier evaluates it, and decides it is alarm. She should run. 

Or should she?

Her mind registers momentary confusion. It is enough for the mission to run over and grasp her flesh arm. She is looking at the Asset. Looking at  _her._ The Winter Soldier looks back. She knew this woman. Sameen Shaw knew this woman.

_I knew you._

The words slip out of her mouth. The objective is once again wavering, uncertain. The mission's eyes are bright.  _Yes. You knew me. You know me._

The Winter Soldier has heard of muscle memory. A procedural memory that involves consolidating a specific motor task into memory and subconscious through constant repetition. Muscle memory that did not pertain to combat is not supposed to have survived the creation process that turned her into the Asset. The Asset knows this, and yet - her left arm moves without her thinking about it. Her fingers touch the mission's face; the mission closes her eyes, sighs, leans in. 

The fog suddenly rolls away, leaving only lucidity. She knows the mission's name. Root _._ Her name is Root.

 _Root,_ she tries it out on her tongue for size, and Root looks like she is once again about to cry. _It's me._

Against her instincts, she speaks again.  _Help me. I want to remember. I can't. But I want to._ It is the truth. In order to complete  _objective: protect,_ she must know who she was. She must know who she must be for the mission. For Root. Root nods, breathes _I know,_ and steps in to kiss her.

The Winter Soldier has never kissed, but she gathers that Sameen Shaw once did. 

She kisses back. 

 

 

She ends up staying in the Avengers Tower, sharing a floor with Root. Root introduces her to the Avengers as  _Sameen._ This discomfits the Asset. She is not yet sure she is ready to identify herself as such. She is still the Winter Soldier. Sameen seems like a stranger, or an acquaintance at best - a vague figure on the periphery of her existence. She is not Sameen. Not yet. 

Root spends the remainder of the month giving her a history lesson. She takes her to many museums, many places where World War II was fought. She explains many things, patiently, trying to coax another precious memory out of the Asset's mind. She looks proud when the Asset remembers anything, even the most trivial matters. 

Every night she slides her arms around the Asset's waist and curls into her body, and calls her Sameen _._ Tells her good night. To sleep well. To dream.

Most nights, Root ends up falling asleep beside her while the Winter Soldier studies her features. Her face is not proportionate to the golden ratio, but stirs something uncomfortable inside of the Asset anyway. She struggles for a word Sameen Shaw might have used to describe her, and can only come up with  _pretty._ It doesn't fit well, but she supposes it will do. 

 

 

One night, Root adds three words to her usual string that she says before bed.

_Good night, Sameen. Sleep well. Have good dreams. I love you._

Before she can tuck herself into the curve of the Winter Soldier's arm, the Asset stops her.  _Wait. No. I don't understand. Explain._

Root's brows furrow.  _What do you mean?_

The Asset swallows. It feels like a burr in her throat. This feels wrong. She is certain she should know what those words means. She is certain Sameen would have. She thinks this might hurt Root. That is contradictory to the objective.

But she wants to know, so badly.

_What do you mean, I love you?_

There is a flare of pain in Root's eyes. The Winter Soldier registers another surge of alarm. This is not ideal. This jeopardises the objective. She is quick to remedy this. _I'm sorry. I recant my -_

 _No._ Root stops her. _N_ _o, it's... it's all right. It's just..._

She pauses, and touches the Asset's face with one hand. The Winter Soldier has conditioned herself not to flinch.  _I_ _didn't realise they did... this_   _to you. Hurt you so much. So badly._ The mission - _R_ _oot,_ Root- closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.  _I_ _love you. It means... it's hard to explain. Love is something you feel when you... when you know would do anything for a person. When their happiness is integral to yours. You would die if they died. Well, no. Not exactly._ Root stops to correct herself.  _You could still survive if they died. But it would be an existence plagued with pain. It would hurt very much._

The Winter Soldier pauses to evaluate this new information.  _T_ _his means you feel all this. For me._

 _Yes_ ,Root replies, so earnestly and intently it surprises even the Asset.  _Always_ _. Oh god, Sameen, when they thawed me out of the ice... when I lived for so long in this new world seventy years away from all I'd ever known, I missed you so much. I needed you so much. And when I saw you again - circumstances be damned - I wanted to cry. And now you're here. Now you're here and everything is_ right  _with the world._

The discomfort has not passed; it continues to seize her stomach. She chooses her words carefully this time. _A_ _nd Sameen..._  The Winter Soldier catches herself. _I_ _... loved you like this, too._

Root nods, pulls her in close for a gentle kiss. It feels good. The Winter Soldier thinks she might derive fractional enjoyment out of being kissed by Root. She files this away for further study and reference.  _Y_ _ou do._

And that is when it strikes the Winter Soldier, like a bullet to the chest - Root does not see her, when she looks at her. Root sees Sameen. Root sees someone the Asset is still trying to figure out herself. The Asset knows, rationally, that she used to be Sameen. But she is no longer sure if that applies, in this moment. Something grips her consciousness, a fist of iron that doesn't give. She does not know who she is. She is defined by her objectives, but her objectives are not straightforward. This is difficult. This is complicated. She does not like it. There are too many objectives to consider, and the Winter Soldier scrabbles to fixate her attentions on the strongest, most critical one.

_Objective: protect._

Protect. She must protect Root. Sameen can protect Root, because she once did. This is a good plan, the Asset concurs. For Root, she must be Sameen - she must take on the identity of Sameen, as she was once, apparently. Sameen loved Root. By extension, so must she. 

 _I love you,_ she says, slowly, the words thick and peculiar in her mouth. Root's eyes light up, and she practically radiates happiness; the Winter Soldier allows herself a brief smile. This fulfils the objective. This is satisfactory. 

She now knows what she must do. 

 

 

Trial and error allows the Asset to gradually understand how best to interact with Root, and how best to be Sameen. The memories are returning, but somehow they do not seem like hers - their consistency more closely resembles a dreamlike cloudiness, as if she were viewing someone else's treasured memories on a projector. They are fuzzy, jumpy, foreign, and she feels no claim over them. These are Sameen's memories - not hers.

This is not ideal. This discomforts the Asset. It feels wrong to have Root address her with that name. It feels wrong to have Root's loving gaze resting on her when the Winter Soldier knows she is seeing past her to a ghost. It feels like a lie.

The Asset realises that she does not like lies, but continues to say  _I love you._ The objective is of greater priority than her own preferences. 

She compromises with herself. She asks that people refer to her as Shaw _;_ this fits better on her than Sameen _._ Root has no problem with it; neither does anyone else. This works. She can make it work. She will achieve the objective. Failure is unacceptable.

 

 

Six months in, Shaw comes to the startling conclusion that she is not - and cannot be - Sameen.

It has been sitting on her shoulders all this while now, but nothing truly breaks until she and Root and in bed one night and her head is between Root's thighs and Root screams, screams  _Sameen_ and it feels like a  _gunshot,_ like electricity through her veins. 

She hides in the living room when Root falls asleep, and processes her next steps. The plan has been disrupted. She is not Sameen. She cannot be Sameen. She does not know who Sameen is, and she does not like lies. She does not like lying to Root. 

The truth is imperative. She must find another way to accomplish the objective. She is certain that she can, despite this interruption. She heads back to the bedroom after an hour or so, finds Root lying spread-eagled on the bed, sleeping peacefully. When she slides in beside her, Root awakens, smiles sleepily in her direction. _S_ _haw._

 _Root._ Shaw opens her mouth to begin speaking her piece, but Root just snuggles up drowsily against her. _I love you, Shaw._

 _I love you, too._ She says it out loud, without thinking, without processing anything. It is instinct. It is the truth. It knocks the breath out of her. She is not Sameen, Shaw thinks. She does not love this woman in her arms because Sameen loved her. She - Shaw, the Asset, the Winter Soldier no more - she loves her. She loves Root. 

The Winter Soldier has never known despair, though it is catalogued in her bank of emotions. She is aware of its existence, but has never felt it. In that moment it crashes down upon her, tides upon tides she is incapable of stopping. She possesses new knowledge, now - the realisation that she loves Root, in her capacity as  _S_ _haw,_ but it is Sameen that Root loves. The ghost in her chest that she cannot purge.

Shaw sits in bed all night with root dozing in her arms, waiting for the sun to rise in the faint hope that everything will be clearer in the morning.

It isn't.

 

 

She makes it through another week before she finally can't stand it anymore, can't stand Root looking past her seventy years back into 1945. 

_We need to talk._

Root looks up from the morning newspaper.  _S_ _ure, Shaw. Sit here with me._ She pats the sofa, moves over to make space.  _W_ _hat is it?_

Shaw takes a deep breath, and  _everything_ spills, flows without stopping. _R_ _oot, listen. I'm not Sameen. I can't be Sameen. I will never be _Sameen_ ever again. I know I look like her, I act like her, I have some of her memories, but I'm not her. I'm the Asset. The Winter Soldier. Shaw.  _Sameen_ died in that river in 1945. I don't know who she is any more. I know I was her, once, but she died. S_ _he died and I was born. I'm not saying I know exactly who I am, and I don't, at least not yet. But I know I'm not her. And it hurts, Root. It hurts because you tell me you love me, and I love you, too. But you're looking right through me. You're talking to _Sameen_ when you say that, not me, and it hurts. I know it's hard for you. I know you look at me and you only see her, and I understand. But please. You have to know. I'm not her. Not anymore. I've tried to be Sameen for you for the past six months, because you love her, and my objective was to protect you and to keep you safe and make you happy. But I can't be that. I can't keep lying to you. Sameen loved you, I know. But I'm Shaw. And Shaw loves you, too. _

There is total silence for a minute as Root stares at her, eyes wide, mouth open, and Shaw is  _terrified._ The emotions come easier now; it's how she knows for sure she loves Root as much as Sameen must have, once. They are daunting, especially in moments such as this.

 _I need a moment,_ Root finally says. _J_ _ust... please. A minute._

Shaw knows a goodbye when she sees it. 

Root doesn't stop her when she walks out of the door. 

 

 

She makes it all the way to the bottom of the stairwell, pondering where she ought to go from here, and that's when Root bolts down the stairs and almost bowls her over into the wall. Her eyes are wild with terror.  _Why a_ _re you leaving?_

Shaw blinks.  _I_ _sn't that what you want?_

There is so much pain in Root's expression after she asks the question that Shaw flinches.  _W_ _hat are you talking about?_

Shaw ducks her head.  _I'_ _m not Sameen,_ she says softly.  _I_ _can't be who you want me to be._

 _Don't be stupid,_ Root responds, with no wrath in her voice. She is trembling, and Shaw reaches out instinctively to steady her.  _S_ _haw, fuck, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise... I didn't realise I was hurting you. I was so wrapped up in my own pain that I didn't... you're right._ Root takes a deep breath and stares right up at her.  _Y_ _ou're right, I've been looking at you and seeing Sameen. The Sameen I knew and loved in 1945. And that was unfair to you. I'm so fucking sorry, I'm so... Shaw._ The words are raw; Root might as well be bleeding.  _P_ _lease don't go. Please don't leave me. I've already lost her. I can't lose you too. I'm not 1945 Root any more either - give me a chance. Give me some time and space and a chance to get to know myself again, and get to know you - really know you. Give me a chance to tell you I love you, Shaw, because I do. I know I do._

She is crying. Shaw doesn't want to see Root cry. It indicates a failure of the real, overarching objective that has always been sitting in her heart. 

_Objective: love._

In the doorway of the tiny back staircase of Avengers Tower, Shaw kisses her, long and slow and real. 

 _I love you, Root,_ she says, inches away from her lips, and means every word.

 _I love you too,_ Root answers, and Shaw knows she can finally, finally start believing it. 


End file.
